blah blah blah 30.12.
Sometimes I like to entertain Myself by reading the personals in the Reader. There’s something funny about countless humans advertising themselves as “intelligent, honest, down to earth, adventurous” and listing their interests as “fine dining, music, movies, exploring the city, or just staying in with a bottle of wine and a board game,” and not noticing that EVERY OTHER AD ON THE DAMN PAGE says the same thing. It’s disturbing to think that these people are so arrogant as to actually believe these banal statements distinguish them. “I am a fun smart gal.” “I am looking for someone to hang out with.” “I love food, beer, wine.” “I am funny, everyone I know laughs at what I say.”
Music is probably the most-used word in these ads. Because it’s really important that the prospective date know that this person is into music, unlike the rest of the human species…?
Elitism of all kinds abounds in these ads, but the worst kind is the intellectual snobbery. The title of one ad is “Obsequious individuals apply now.” It goes on to read, “Sorry about the headline but if you know what that means, please contact me. If you can actually use the word in a sentence then you should wow me with your big brain.” EW. What the fuck? Not to mention that everyone who DOES know what that word means, which I’m betting is a lot of people considering it’s not that fucking difficult of a word, just end up feeling embarrassed for this sorry cunt ass who thinks she’s so fucking clever. Here’s another gem: “Jaded with academia at a precocious age, and never once beaten in the art of discussing unread books, seeks ambitious hipster for scarring fights over pop culture, Kleinian psychoanalysis…” So this person’s idea of a relationship is a pissing contest. This kind of mindless one-upsmanship is pretty damn juvenile, kind of negates the whole “precocious” thing, yeah? And then they end the whole thing with “down-to-earth.”
Also funny are the ones who try to subtly imply that they’re rich and are trying to dodge golddiggers, so applicants should have their own fortunes. Why can’t they just come out and say it? “No broke-ass bitches. I have $500K in my savings account, so if you possess less than half of that, in capital or assets or whatevs, please don’t respond.” How hard is it to say that, y’all? I mean, come on, your ad says right here that you value honesty. Instead, there are all kinds of obtusities about “young executive,” “seeking ambitious person,” “financially secure, seeks same.” Fucking blow Me.
The winner of the most arrogant statement in this week’s personals goes to: “When I die, I want my funeral to be full of people who knew me well, and a eulogy that speaks volumes about what a kind, talented, hard working, and emotionally generous person I was.” Wow.
Why doesn’t everyone just do what I do and fuck all their friends and their friends’ friends, and have fun?
In other news, I need a shower caddy. That’s what I think it’s called, at least? The wire thing that hangs in the shower and holds your soap and shampoo bottles. Only I need the deluxe version, because there are a whole lot of bottles of shower shit cluttering up every surface in My bathroom, and I can’t find a big enough shower caddy anywhere in the neighborhood, and it’s too damn cold to take the bus to Target. I also need makeup brushes: a stiff eyeshadow brush, an angled eyeliner brush, and a powder brush. MAC preferred. Finally, I need washcloths or face towels or whatever you want to call them.
If anyone knows of a New Years’ Eve party with either a bonfire or a hot tub (without you or residual chlamydia in it), let Me know.
