16.04.
An oft-quoted piece of insight from Gandhi: “Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.”
An oft-quoted piece of insight from Gandhi: “Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.”
As many of you know, I moved into a new apartment recently. I’m living by Myself and I love it. The best thing is that a roll of toilet paper lasts a whole week or longer. Other perks: I never feel like I’m doing anyone else’s dishes, and I don’t have to look at cat barf. My newest sub, jennifer, has been doing a tremendous job fixing the place up to My specifications. I never have to interact with anyone unless I choose to. I don’t have to listen to anyone’s TV or music. I can have My two hours of silence every morning. There is a big backyard where I’m having jennifer dig a fire pit. The landlords are nice and fix the things that don’t work. They brought Me a new stove and changed the bathroom floor. This place rules.
Isn’t it such a regrettable term, mixologist? It reminds Me of a certain kind of woeful mismatch, like a Members Only jacket in one of those ugly BMWs from the late 90s. Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking. Sub #1 in the kitchen mixologizing My bodily fluids into delectable concoctions that sub #2 gladly imbibes, with or without force 
Some ideas:
vodka lemonade
chocolate martini
bloody mary
Anyone up for it?
I haven’t been able to check My Gmail all day because every time I try to access it, it crashes My browser. I recently upgraded to the new Firefox, so I thought that was the problem and tried opening Gmail in Safari instead. It also crashed. After several moments of frustration, I remembered that Google had recently launched a new browser, the irksomely-named Chrome. I figure, Google’s email couldn’t possibly crash Google’s browser. And there you have it. Google made it so Gmail crashes all browsers except their own. I don’t like this. I don’t like Chrome. I like Firefox. This, My little friends, is a Google conspiracy, and I’m not pleased.
Does anyone have a spare T-Mobile phone I could have? Mine is really shitty and I keep missing calls because of it. I lost 4 points off My rating on Niteflirt because of it today. 
I’m about to head over to My new apartment to sign the lease! I’m so excited to finally have a place with a yard where I can garden: one of the few tasks I would never delegate to a slave! I have some volunteers to help Me move, but I’ll need more, and also people to pick up furniture that I find on the free section of Craigslist. And if anyone has any cast irons, hand them over! I’m tired of gross teflon pans and their cancer flakes. I’ll come up with a more complete list of things I need for the new place later. I’m leaving all My furniture behind at the old place because My roommates are staying there and it would be shitty of Me to take the furniture away, so I’ll need pretty much everything replaced. Basically just a couch and a kitchen table, maybe a set of shelves in the kitchen. Luckily the new place comes with a refrigerator and oven, unlike the current place. Yay! Oh, one more thing. If anyone out there has a spare kitten of the variety that is longhaired but does not dread, I want it.
I just received this dress in the mail. I’m psyched because it matches My new bike perfectly. Someone who I will call slave z got it for Me. What a lovely gift! The pictures are a little dark, apologies.
I got a bike yesterday. It’s wonderful. I rode around Humboldt Park in the dark. I’ll post pictures as soon as I’m done painting it banana yellow. I’m naming it the Poopmobile.
SNOW??? I was completely committed to summer. I took the plastic down from My window, turned off the pilot light in the furnace, put My winter coat away, and started having cocktail hour at 3pm. I should have known better.
In other news, I just took a shit and had to wipe My ass with a bunch of raggedy used tissues with visible boogers on them. The ol’ brown eye is NOT happy. We need to keep Me in toilet paper, bitches. Send your TP donations to the address on My “wishes” section, or, if you’re coming to the partay tonight, just bring it with you. The really soft kind. No color or scent. Shit yeahhh.
